ugh, ugh, ugh.

This has been a trying week to say the least.
It started on Friday...Jacob caught a cold. It was a doozy.
Then Saturday rolled around...Jacob woke up with pink eye.
Then Saturday afternoon rolled around...I had pink eye.
Then Sunday morning rolled around...I had a bad cold, but the pink eye was gone.
Monday, Cody gets said cold.
Tuesday, Jacob's pink eye is mostly cleared up...Cody's cold gets worse.
Wednesday morning...Cody gets an ear infection.
Wednesday afternoon...Dana gets an ear infection.
Wednesday evening...take out.

me: charlie....why is jacob naked?
charlie: he was doing a little booty dance.

I know sometimes 'moms groups' get a bad rap, but I really like the group I am part of.
We met this evening...it's cold, rainy and, in my opinion, quite miserable out. My boys have been extra tired and sick thesd days, so even though it was a lot of running around, I was so happy to have these other mom's over this evening.
Ya...we talk about kids, we talk about being a mom...it is afterall a group of mom's gathering. But it has become more than that. I feel like it's a safe place where we can share our struggles, our fears, our frustrations.
It was a small group tonight, but it was good. I like this group, and I am so thankful to be a part of it. And I got to snuggle (and bounce) with an almost newborn.

Waiting for grace.

It's been a trying few weeks here at the Anderson household. I still haven't been feeling 100%, which I`m sure is causing the bulk of the issues. In other words, I`m slacking off. Dishes pile up, laundry piles up, floors go unswept, beds unmade (wait, I never did that anyways), suppers are lame. By lunch time, I`m spent. I forget how tired you get being pregnant. First time pregos out there, who happen to read this, enjoy the time that you can rest and sleep whenever you want.
I feel mostly bad for my boys though. Mostly. They are being difficult too. I`m sure it`s just me, and my attitude which is the root of it all...but I`m gonna be a suck here, and to be totally honest...I don`t want to take all the blame right now.

Charlie is 3 now. That should explain it all. We`re learning how to discipline him accordingly. He really is a good kid. But like any kid, if he`s tired or hungry, look out! Our biggest issue with him right now is the listening...Sometimes, he legit doesn`t hear us. He`s like his dad that way...so focused on whatever he is doing, the rest of the world is pretty tuned out. But the other times...oh he hears us. Then turns around and does the EXACT THING WE ARE TELLING HIM NOT TO DO. I know all kids do this. I know this is nothing new, that I`m not in some unique situation or anything. But it is so incredibly frustrating! Cue the deep breath and hope that what I say to him does not come out in a loud screaming voice. Deep breath...don`t scream...be calm...AHHHHHHHHHHH!

Jacob is 1. And teething. Again, that should explain it all. I should be loving and comforting to my poor little guy. Thing is...he screams. A high pitched, ear piercing, nose bleed inducing (ok, not that bad) scream. It honestly makes you want to poke your eyeballs out. Literally. Not that I`ve tried it...but I`ve thought about it.

And so there it is...I`m tired. I`m sick. I have headaches. And I have a 3 year old and a 1 year old, whom I love dearly. It`s been a long 13 weeks of pregnancy so far. I`m praying that grace comes soon...that sickness will ease, that teething will stop (for now), that I`d have patience and grace when it comes to parenting Charlie.

change.

Lots has changed these past few weeks. Lots is changing.

1. We bought a van...which of course raised everyone's suspicions about "is she pregnant again???"
2. I am pregnant again. Due April 11. Feeling terrible. Perhaps a girl???? ;)
3. Jacob turned 1. Hard to believe a year and more has passed since I had my baby boy.
4. Charlie will be 3 on Wednesday. Even harder to believe.
5. I always manage to get my yearly cold while pregnant. Which is of course when you can't take anything to help with it. Vitamin C and water...here I come.
6. We are fish owners, against our will. My sister brought Charlie out to buy someone a fish...she ended up buying Charlie one too. He is blue, and his name is...Blue.
7. I have more tomatoes than I know what to do with right now.
8. I'm ready for fall weather...cozy sweaters and the like.
9. We're trying to figure out how to make our 2 bedroom house work with 3 kids. Stay tuned...
10. We get to go away to Banff in October (just Cody and I). I'm so excited to sleep through the night...and then after that, we're off on a family road trip to a wedding!

I guess that's the bulk of what's been happening around here. We're all tired, but life is good.

29.

I am 29 now.

I had a great birthday. I went out with some friends the night before for supper...I got to sleep in, 7:03am. Ok, so not actually sleep in. But the boys were up even earlier than that, and that was as long as they could wait before running in and jumping all over me covering me with kisses and happy birthdays. Not a bad start to the day...

My boys bought me a hang dryer (Charlie's words for a clothes line) and some clothes pins, and two boxes of the Starbucks Chai syrup so I can make my own chai lattes. Of course, chai lattes were made and enjoyed by Charlie and I.

After breakfast and a morning nap for Jake, we headed out to my parents house for a birthday lunch and swimming. Afterwards we dropped the boys off with Cody's sister, and went out for a late supper.

It was a great day. I feel really blessed to have my boys, my family, my friends in my life. I am excited what this last year of my twenties will bring...I was feeling kinda 'ugh' about turning 29...but today, I feel good about it. I am happy with my life right now. I am where I thought I'd be. I am happy.

On a side note, I think I'm creating a monster... First words out of Charlie's mouth this morning:
"Mommy, I want a chai latte."

Oh dear....

What the croup!

Croup: a condition that causes an inflammation of the upper airways — the voice box (larynx) and windpipe (trachea). It often leads to a barking cough or hoarseness, especially when a child cries. (http://kidshealth.org/parent/infections/lung/croup.html)

Charlie has gotten croup whenever he had a cold, but never this bad. Poor Jake...He had the seal bark all day yesterday, and it just seemed to be getting worse. I finally got him settled and asleep, and it just never eased off. He was struggling so much just to breathe...I called my mom (a nurse) and had her listen to his breathing over the phone. She decided to come in and check him out. Sure enough, she didn't like what she saw/heard...she suggested we go to the ER. So we did. Poor Jake...he was so tired, and crying (which does not help the cough) and we spent about 2 hours at the hospital...ending with him getting two shots, one in each leg, of some type of steroid to help reduce the swelling in his throat. We got home just before 1am, and he slept most of the night, and has had 2 naps today and it's not even noon yet.

It was so scary hearing him struggle to breathe...

I'm thankful for my mama, and the doctor and nurses in the ER who helped my little Jakey. And I'm thankful that it has eased off a bit now and he's breathing a lot better. Still sounds like a seal though...

Going to camp.

Diapers changed.
Car packed.
Lunches packed.
Starbucks ordered.

Warning light for brakes on.

Looks like we're staying home.

Wanna know how to make anything you say, hilarious?
Just add 'poop' to the end of the sentence.

I don't think I will ever understand boys...

Not about my kids.

At the risk of sounding like I am looking for people to boost my confidence, I write this post.
***sidenote: I am not looking for confidence boosts...This is simply what's been on my heart these days***

I feel like I have lost what makes me who I am. It's safe to say I was pretty much losing it last night as Cody and I were talking. I could barely form words at times.

I've never been an overly secure person. What people think of me, and say to me, or to others about me, affects me deeply. Simply put, if someone only has negative things to say about me, or thinks I'm a joke in all do, it hurts me. As I think it would hurt a lot of people.

The struggle these days has been trying to figure out who I am around certain people. There are people who, when I am around them, I completely shut down. It's like I forget how to be me. At the risk of sounding full of myself, I actually do think that I can be a pretty fun and funny person. Around these people, I shut down. I am quiet. I don't know how to be me.

As strange as it may sound, I think the people who probably knew/know the real me, are people who I went to YWAM and Prov with. Mainly because I started at both those places with a clean slate...nobody there knew me...I was free to be the real me. I feel like in other circles, I have been pegged as someone that I am not. Maybe some of the things they say are true, but I like to think I'm more than just someone who has to have my house completely put together, the newest clothes, the fanciest garden pots with the best flowers, etc. With that being said, I don't even think about those things...you should see my house right now!
But...I do like decorating. I enjoy it. I think I'm even sorta good at it. I like shopping, which I have seriously curbed that habit (you should have seen me 10 years ago!). I love gardening. And I don't think these are negative things....I see how they can be, if they totally consumed every part of me; if I put all these things before my relationships. Yes, in that way, they can be negative. But I can assure you, if I have the choice to go to church, or to hang out with a friend, or to visit with family...putting my house together, doing laundry, cleaning, shopping, gardening, anything really, will not take precedence of that. I value people and the relationships I have with them. I value friendships.

So, these days it's been hard. I feel like I've been pegged as the person who is far too concerned with these other things that interest me. But not once, have I been engaged in a conversation for people to actually find out if what they think, is true. Not once. They hear things, form their opinions and judgements, and that's it. That's who I am, and who I will always be. Or that's how I feel it is. So...I sit in silence. I take the comments. And I make no reply. Because really, it only adds fuel to their fire.

I'm not saying I'm perfect...that I have never screwed up in my life...that I have it all together...that I'm the best christian, best wife, best mom, best daughter, best sister, best friend...I have definitely dropped the ball in all those areas. But is it right to have things held against me? (I know this sounds vague...but I have a situation in my mind: I basically didn't respond very well to a very generous gift that was given to us, because it wasn't what I wanted. I have since done a 180, so to speak, and have been so incredibly grateful, yet feel as though I am still being judged by the inital response) Thankfully, God is quick to forgive.

What do I do now? Do I talk to them? I honestly don't think it would help. And I haven't had a serious conversation with them in over 5 years. I wouldn't even know where to begin. Starting a conversation with "Why are you a jerk to me?" just doesn't seem like it would go over well. And I tend to avoid confrontation like the plague...not for me. Do I just ignore it? Just really work hard at being me? That sounds like a ridiculous to have to do...work hard at being who I am. But like I said, it's like I completely forget how to do that. Do I just keep doing the best I can, work at coming out of this shell I've put myself in and hope and pray things get better?

I don't know.

What I do know is that, when I think about it, I like who I am. I think that for the most part, I'm a pretty good christian, a pretty good wife, a pretty good mom, a pretty good daughter, sister, friend...Not perfect, but ok. I'm doing the best I can. There is always room for improvement. Always room to better myself in areas. Always room. But I also know that change happens over time...it can't happen in a day.

So, all that being said. I like me. The real me. The one who knows how to have conversations, and laugh, and have fun.



I don't knwo...

Lazy Morning

I was having a lazy mom morning...just sitting at the table, trying to actually get through my cup of coffee without having to reheat it 2-3 times (which, in my opinion, is the max you should reheat coffee). Charlie kept calling for me to come play trains...normally, I'd go. This morning, I didn't.

Charlie: MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!!!! Come! Come on buddy!

Apparently that is my go to phrase when we're out and he's taking his time...'come on buddy!'
It's so funny to me the things he picks up on.

On another note, I said 'crap' the other day, and it's seems to be his new favourite word.
Sometimes not so funny the things he picks up on.

I would like to have a baby girl next just so I don't have to potty train 3 boys.

Oi.

Kudos to my mother and father in-law who had 5 children.

Three days a week, I look after my 3 year old nephew, Gus. Charlie is 2, and Jacob is 10 months.
This afternoon, I had my other nephew and niece, Jo (1) and Aurora (4).

Let me help you with the math. 5 kids. 4 and under.

My house is small. 703 square feet. That's a lot of little kids in a small space. And it was rainy outside. Bummer. Because I'm pretty sure my yard is bigger than my house.

At any rate, it was a really good afternoon. It was a lot of fun having them all in the same place, and little to no arguing/trouble sharing/pushing/biting/yelling/hitting/battles between the stubborn ones/etc. They all played really well!

We started the afternoon with some good ol' fashioned playdough. Once it cleared up we moved outside to blow bubbles, color with chalk, 'mow' the lawn, red light/green light, simon says, general tomfoolery. (I should note, Jacob was napping this whole time)

Once Jacob woke up, we moved indoors...had snacks, played in the playroom...you get the idea. We had a good day.

Will I have 5 kids? No. It was amazing the difference once Gus went home...only having 4 little ones to look after. And it's not like Gus is any trouble to look after at all! 5 is the tipping point in my opinion...where pure chaos is just around the corner. 4 seems like there is still a buffer between you and chaos.

So again, kudos to my in-laws...you guys are amazing to have raised 5 kids, knowing that 3 of them weren't going home at the end of the day!

Jacob

It was a bit of a tiring day with my little Jacob today. He's cutting 3 teeth...they are so close to being through. I wish they would just hurry up. Jacob is generally a very happy baby...I can honestly the only time he cries is when he's hungry, or wakes up. But these past couple of days, especially today, he's been rather cranky because of the teething.
It was a long day.
But it ended with Jacob cuddling up with me, and falling asleep while I held him. I really am cherishing these moments with him, as they are few and far between. He is definitely not (nor has he every been) a cuddler. He'll be 10 months old on the 16th. It has gone by so fast...I'm having a hard time accepting that he is almost 1 years old.
So, I will cherish these moments when my little 'Hey-Bob' will fall asleep in my arms.

                                  I love you Jacob.

Cody: I love you Charlie. Do you know what that means?
Charlie: You won't leave me.

heart melting......

Beach Day!

Yesterday, being Cody's day off, we decided to pack the boys up and head out to Birds Hill to spend some time at the beach. After a bit of frustration driving aimlessly around the park to find the spot to buy a park pass (no one was posted at the gate, no explanation of where to buy one was available, but they were kind enough to post a sign stating a park pass was mandatory...)
Anyways, we got to the beach. Charlie had brought his run bike and had a great time riding around on the bike paths. We got to the beach where he spent over an hour playing in the water, in the sand and at the playground. Jacob also got in on some of the water action. I love that my boys love water and 'swimming'. So fun!




Anyways, here's my favorite pictures of the day!


 
 

conversation with a 2 year old

Me: Charlie! Come see! Jacob has a new tooth*! (small things entertain us)
Charlie: Oh! Hey-bob have pizza now!
 *which is totally in a weird spot...he has the bottom two, and then the top, far right one.

A New Name

So, I've decided to change my blog up a little bit. I found that I wasn't really writing anything...not so much because I had nothing to say or share...I have loads of stories, but they are mostly about my two boys. And I felt guilty writing about them all the time, because not everyone (like there are SO many people who actually read this...) wants to read about my kids.

With that being said however, I am a stay at home mom. I'd like to think that my intellect runs deeper than conversations with my 2 year old about why it's a good idea to keep your male parts in your diaper and a bad idea to throw your brother to the ground...at this point I don't know that it does. And I'm okay with that. I learn a lot from my boys, and I have decided to make this a place to share things I've learned from them, and tell stories.

Considered yourself warned. This blog is mainly about my life as mom of two boys. So that's what you'll being hearing about.

It's been a long time since I've done the solo parenting gig for a long stretch of time, and I have yet to do it with both boys. The longest I've been alone with both of them was a weekend, when Cody left on a Friday and came back on a Sunday. He is in Haiti right now. I'm glad he is there. He loves it there. But I miss him here. And so does his 2 year old. I think this is the first time that Cody has gone away that Charlie really seems to grasp what is going on. He'll randomly start crying out for "Daaaaadddddddddddyyyyyyyyyyyy" at any give time of day, he fights nap/bed time even more so and longer than he normally does. He's more aggressive. He just wants his dad. I feel so bad for him...my heart breaks everytime he cries out for him. I find it very challenging to be a good parent, to be firm with him when he's up and down from bed, not letting him get whatever he wants... I just want to spoil him rotten because I know he is having such a hard time with Cody being gone. But at the same time, I know that won't help either. I just want to cry. Because that always helps, right? I had to lock the door for a few minutes in his room so he knows that he can't come out, and that he has to nap. He's crying for daddy. And in that process, Jacob woke up...so he's crying too. All this to say, kudos to you single mama's or papa's out there. You have a tough job...and of all the ones I know, you are amazing, patient, loving, kind parents. I admire your courage to do it alone. Way to go. Next Tuesday can't come soon enough for little Charlie...and for me too. Cody, we miss you.

"Then he asked them, 'But who do you say I am?' Simon Peter answered, 'You are the Messiah, the Son of the living God.'" Matthew 16:15-16

I didn't hear the whole sermon this morning as I was in and out a bit with a somewhat fussy-ish baby...but I did hear this part. Who do you say I am? The speaker today challenged us to think about that question...to really think about it. So I'm going to try.

Who do I say Jesus is? It's easy to spout off Simon Peter's answer, it is afterall the right one...but do I really and truly believe that. I wasn't sure how to go about even thinking of this question, until the speaker shared his example...how Jesus is his last resort when things are tough. That started to get me thinking...

So, if I think beyond the "easy" answer, Who do I say Jesus is in my life? Honestly...I can probably relate to the last resort answer...when I've tried everything myself and nothing has worked, I turn to Jesus. When I want my baby to sleep all night, I hope that Jesus will somehow give him sleepy potion or be my 2am babysitter. I say He's my therapist, who doesn't always seem to hear what I am saying...or else hears it and does the opposite. (I know this is a ridiculous view...but it's honestly how I feel sometimes)

But Simon Peter's answer is the right one...He is the Messiah, the Son of the living God. I know that and I believe that. How do I move on beyond the "Jesus, You are totally bailing on me" to "Jesus, You are the Messiah". Clearly I need to be less selfish...Step 1. It's not about me, and what I want to happen or think that I need to happen. It's not about me. It's about Jesus and who He is.

I'm not sure where I am going with this anymore...I need to really start thinking about this more...I like that question.

"But who do you say that I am?"

On my mind...again...

I wrote this post a few years ago...Instead of re-writing my thoughts again on it...I'm just reposting. Is that cheating in the blog world? I don't know. I don't really care either. I think it's a good reminder:

I'm struggling today with the whole idea of "gossip". In no way am I claiming innocence to this act. There are days when I gossip unknowingly, days where I justify it as "well, I really care for this person" or "I just need to talk this out", and days where I am fully aware of what I am doing, the implications that it could potentially have, the harm it could do, yet I do it anyway.

Gossip: idle talk or rumor, especially about the personal or private affairs of others
Idle Talk: talk of no real worth, importance, or significance

Idle talk? How much time do I spend talking about things that have no real significance, importance and are of no real worth? I'm scared to answer that question. It's probably far more time than I want to admit. What scares me even more...I know I have come along way since the 'ol junior high days. Are we so scared to be vulnerable, to talk about the things that are important in life, to open ourselves up to someone else, that we feel we need to talk idly, to spread rumors, to share the latest tidbit of someone elses personal life? Do we feel the need to spread gossip about others to validate that we are a somebody? That we are in "the know"? Are we that afraid to be ourselves that we can only communicate with one another through gossip?

Am I that afraid to be vulnerable and to be myself?

I don't want to engage in idle talk. I want conversations that speak truth in love, that are uplifting and encouraging, that are honest and real; that reflect the character of Christ.

Maybe I am that afraid to let go, to be totally vulnerable and to be myself...God help me not to hide behind idle talk and gossip.

my resolutions.

I've never really been one to make (and keep) New Year's resolutions. I usually come up with an impressive list of things I'd like to change in my life:

ex: start working out more, drink less coke, be more 'green' and earth friendly, read my bible more, etc, etc, etc...

Let's just say this, it's the 11th of January...I have not worked out once (unless walking to my car in the garage counts), I drank coke on New Year's day (and on the 2nd, and probably the 3rd...), I am actually pretty conscious of 'living green', but there is still a few more things to change, and I am working on those, and I have read my bible once (which, technically speaking, is reading it more...I have been seriously slacking off).

Anyways, this New Years was no different...same list, different year. But something has changed in me. I think it was the way the New Year began. If you recall, January 1st fell on a Sunday this year. So while much of the city is still asleep after a night out, I was in church, with a good group of people. I don't remember much of the service, but I do remember thinking that being in church is a good way to start a new year. There was something that felt so right about it. It felt right to be with my church family, singing praises to God, to be reflecting on the year past and the year to come. It wasn't just making a list and hoping I stick to it. It really was the so called 'kick in the pants' I needed to get going with things I've been wanting to change in my life. I think we should rig the calendar so that New Year's day falls on a Sunday every year. It was good.

I realize it hasn't even been 2 weeks since 2012 began, but this change in me has continued (long past my 'resolutions'). I feel like something has shifted in my spiritual journey...ex: i CARE about my spiritual journey. I feel like something has shifted in the way I think about being a stay-at-home mom and what that should look like. I feel like something has changed in the way I have held onto past bitterness...ex: seeking to let that go.

I think 2012 will be a good year. I'm looking forward to what it all holds.