Wearing my heart on my blog...

Funny enough, my last post was about how we moved to Kleefeld.
This one is about how we want to move back to Winnipeg.


Ever since Lucy was born, (and I suppose before she was born) we have been in a season of transition, change and/or waiting for change. It has been a trying season to say the least. I'm exhausted.


I'm trying to be hopeful, to trust God, to wait patiently, to have faith, to... But I'm waning. A little bit of history on me: I don't do well with change. The Winnipeg Jets just recently fired head coach Claude Noel and replaced him with Paul Maurice. This actually threw me off a bit. A situation, which in absolutely ZERO way affects me, threw me for a loop. Now, think how change that ACTUALLY affects me, affects me.


We've been in Kleefeld for about 6 months. We knew about 1 month in that this was for sure not going to be long term. The commute was proving to be more than we bargained for, with Cody being gone exceptionally long days. This has been trying on all of us, but especially Cody and the boys. Who just want their dad to be home. The easiest way to sum it up, is when we were in Winnipeg, we were very close to the church...so close, that we didn't even realize just how much we were involved in different things because when it came to doing them, we never gave it a second thought. Adding a 45 minute commute (each way) has made it very clear what we are all involved in, and committed to. Where before we didn't have to think much about getting to evening meetings, bomber games, running some errands, hanging out with friends, small group, etc, has become a bit of a headache trying to figure it all out, all the while, trying to ensure our 3 little ones don't spend the majority of their time in the van. Because of these commitments that we have (and that we want to keep!), our family time has been reduced to 1-2 suppers together a week, and hanging out in the van...hoping that the kids don't start freaking out because they are stuck in the van, just wanting to be wherever we are going. I know this is a common phrase in any car...but "When are we going to be there?" is getting hard to hear.


So, we took a step. We listed our house. And, as things do outside of Winnipeg, it will sit. And sit. And sit. Anywhere between 30-75 days. Ugh. Patience is a virtue....I need to keep reminding myself that. But it's hard. We have been waiting and praying so long about this. We both kind of thought that after we took this step, things would just start to fall into place. And it seemed like it did...we had a showing the day after we listed it. We were hopeful! We were praying! We heard nothing. I guess they weren't interested. And that's ok. It hasn't even been on the market a week.


My struggle is that while this is (slowly) happening, we have found a house in Winnipeg that would be quite perfect for us. It's in our old neighbourhood (where we want to be), it's in our price range, it's move in ready...but we can't do anything about it. Our current house needs to sell first. Conditional offers are not really entertained in the city. Part of me just wants to do it and see...you never know if you don't try. But our realtor suggested not to...and my husband (the breadwinner) is out of town until Friday.


So alas, I feel stuck. Can't move forward. Don't really know when we'll be able to. And with that, we are still just stuck in a transition stage, with change ahead. I find it very hard to live in the now, when we don't know what the 'now' is, and for how long the 'now' will be...


I don't know...all that to say. We need prayer. Prayer for patience and trust that God has a bigger plan for us than we can imagine. Prayer that this house will buck the trend of a slow market and sell quickly, and that the house in Winnipeg would buck the trend of a fast market and not sell until we can buy it. That's what I want. A quick sale, and to buy the house in Winnipeg. So we can move back home, and get back to living a more simple life, where the things that we love to do, don't feel so much like a burden because we have to drive so far. And so my kids can actually live life outside of a vehicle. They'd like that.

So where exactly is that?

We moved.
To Kleefeld, MB.
Where is that?
Close to Steinbach.

It was a tough decision for us to make. We had outgrown our Winnipeg home. But what we were looking for, was not to be found in Winnipeg at a price we could afford.

So we moved. To Kleefeld.

If you asked me what I thought about it...I kinda get a weird vibe. And I could not place my finger on it, until last night. It's a small town. Not the small town I grew up in. Nobody knows us. We're new. So yes...people will slow down to a walking speed when driving by...maybe even do a loop around to check you out a second time. It's weird. But I get it.

There is a new development going up to the east of us...so we won't be the new 'new' ones for long...

ugh, ugh, ugh.

This has been a trying week to say the least.
It started on Friday...Jacob caught a cold. It was a doozy.
Then Saturday rolled around...Jacob woke up with pink eye.
Then Saturday afternoon rolled around...I had pink eye.
Then Sunday morning rolled around...I had a bad cold, but the pink eye was gone.
Monday, Cody gets said cold.
Tuesday, Jacob's pink eye is mostly cleared up...Cody's cold gets worse.
Wednesday morning...Cody gets an ear infection.
Wednesday afternoon...Dana gets an ear infection.
Wednesday evening...take out.

me: charlie....why is jacob naked?
charlie: he was doing a little booty dance.

I know sometimes 'moms groups' get a bad rap, but I really like the group I am part of.
We met this evening...it's cold, rainy and, in my opinion, quite miserable out. My boys have been extra tired and sick thesd days, so even though it was a lot of running around, I was so happy to have these other mom's over this evening.
Ya...we talk about kids, we talk about being a mom...it is afterall a group of mom's gathering. But it has become more than that. I feel like it's a safe place where we can share our struggles, our fears, our frustrations.
It was a small group tonight, but it was good. I like this group, and I am so thankful to be a part of it. And I got to snuggle (and bounce) with an almost newborn.

Waiting for grace.

It's been a trying few weeks here at the Anderson household. I still haven't been feeling 100%, which I`m sure is causing the bulk of the issues. In other words, I`m slacking off. Dishes pile up, laundry piles up, floors go unswept, beds unmade (wait, I never did that anyways), suppers are lame. By lunch time, I`m spent. I forget how tired you get being pregnant. First time pregos out there, who happen to read this, enjoy the time that you can rest and sleep whenever you want.
I feel mostly bad for my boys though. Mostly. They are being difficult too. I`m sure it`s just me, and my attitude which is the root of it all...but I`m gonna be a suck here, and to be totally honest...I don`t want to take all the blame right now.

Charlie is 3 now. That should explain it all. We`re learning how to discipline him accordingly. He really is a good kid. But like any kid, if he`s tired or hungry, look out! Our biggest issue with him right now is the listening...Sometimes, he legit doesn`t hear us. He`s like his dad that way...so focused on whatever he is doing, the rest of the world is pretty tuned out. But the other times...oh he hears us. Then turns around and does the EXACT THING WE ARE TELLING HIM NOT TO DO. I know all kids do this. I know this is nothing new, that I`m not in some unique situation or anything. But it is so incredibly frustrating! Cue the deep breath and hope that what I say to him does not come out in a loud screaming voice. Deep breath...don`t scream...be calm...AHHHHHHHHHHH!

Jacob is 1. And teething. Again, that should explain it all. I should be loving and comforting to my poor little guy. Thing is...he screams. A high pitched, ear piercing, nose bleed inducing (ok, not that bad) scream. It honestly makes you want to poke your eyeballs out. Literally. Not that I`ve tried it...but I`ve thought about it.

And so there it is...I`m tired. I`m sick. I have headaches. And I have a 3 year old and a 1 year old, whom I love dearly. It`s been a long 13 weeks of pregnancy so far. I`m praying that grace comes soon...that sickness will ease, that teething will stop (for now), that I`d have patience and grace when it comes to parenting Charlie.

change.

Lots has changed these past few weeks. Lots is changing.

1. We bought a van...which of course raised everyone's suspicions about "is she pregnant again???"
2. I am pregnant again. Due April 11. Feeling terrible. Perhaps a girl???? ;)
3. Jacob turned 1. Hard to believe a year and more has passed since I had my baby boy.
4. Charlie will be 3 on Wednesday. Even harder to believe.
5. I always manage to get my yearly cold while pregnant. Which is of course when you can't take anything to help with it. Vitamin C and water...here I come.
6. We are fish owners, against our will. My sister brought Charlie out to buy someone a fish...she ended up buying Charlie one too. He is blue, and his name is...Blue.
7. I have more tomatoes than I know what to do with right now.
8. I'm ready for fall weather...cozy sweaters and the like.
9. We're trying to figure out how to make our 2 bedroom house work with 3 kids. Stay tuned...
10. We get to go away to Banff in October (just Cody and I). I'm so excited to sleep through the night...and then after that, we're off on a family road trip to a wedding!

I guess that's the bulk of what's been happening around here. We're all tired, but life is good.

29.

I am 29 now.

I had a great birthday. I went out with some friends the night before for supper...I got to sleep in, 7:03am. Ok, so not actually sleep in. But the boys were up even earlier than that, and that was as long as they could wait before running in and jumping all over me covering me with kisses and happy birthdays. Not a bad start to the day...

My boys bought me a hang dryer (Charlie's words for a clothes line) and some clothes pins, and two boxes of the Starbucks Chai syrup so I can make my own chai lattes. Of course, chai lattes were made and enjoyed by Charlie and I.

After breakfast and a morning nap for Jake, we headed out to my parents house for a birthday lunch and swimming. Afterwards we dropped the boys off with Cody's sister, and went out for a late supper.

It was a great day. I feel really blessed to have my boys, my family, my friends in my life. I am excited what this last year of my twenties will bring...I was feeling kinda 'ugh' about turning 29...but today, I feel good about it. I am happy with my life right now. I am where I thought I'd be. I am happy.

On a side note, I think I'm creating a monster... First words out of Charlie's mouth this morning:
"Mommy, I want a chai latte."

Oh dear....

What the croup!

Croup: a condition that causes an inflammation of the upper airways — the voice box (larynx) and windpipe (trachea). It often leads to a barking cough or hoarseness, especially when a child cries. (http://kidshealth.org/parent/infections/lung/croup.html)

Charlie has gotten croup whenever he had a cold, but never this bad. Poor Jake...He had the seal bark all day yesterday, and it just seemed to be getting worse. I finally got him settled and asleep, and it just never eased off. He was struggling so much just to breathe...I called my mom (a nurse) and had her listen to his breathing over the phone. She decided to come in and check him out. Sure enough, she didn't like what she saw/heard...she suggested we go to the ER. So we did. Poor Jake...he was so tired, and crying (which does not help the cough) and we spent about 2 hours at the hospital...ending with him getting two shots, one in each leg, of some type of steroid to help reduce the swelling in his throat. We got home just before 1am, and he slept most of the night, and has had 2 naps today and it's not even noon yet.

It was so scary hearing him struggle to breathe...

I'm thankful for my mama, and the doctor and nurses in the ER who helped my little Jakey. And I'm thankful that it has eased off a bit now and he's breathing a lot better. Still sounds like a seal though...

Going to camp.

Diapers changed.
Car packed.
Lunches packed.
Starbucks ordered.

Warning light for brakes on.

Looks like we're staying home.

Wanna know how to make anything you say, hilarious?
Just add 'poop' to the end of the sentence.

I don't think I will ever understand boys...

Not about my kids.

At the risk of sounding like I am looking for people to boost my confidence, I write this post.
***sidenote: I am not looking for confidence boosts...This is simply what's been on my heart these days***

I feel like I have lost what makes me who I am. It's safe to say I was pretty much losing it last night as Cody and I were talking. I could barely form words at times.

I've never been an overly secure person. What people think of me, and say to me, or to others about me, affects me deeply. Simply put, if someone only has negative things to say about me, or thinks I'm a joke in all do, it hurts me. As I think it would hurt a lot of people.

The struggle these days has been trying to figure out who I am around certain people. There are people who, when I am around them, I completely shut down. It's like I forget how to be me. At the risk of sounding full of myself, I actually do think that I can be a pretty fun and funny person. Around these people, I shut down. I am quiet. I don't know how to be me.

As strange as it may sound, I think the people who probably knew/know the real me, are people who I went to YWAM and Prov with. Mainly because I started at both those places with a clean slate...nobody there knew me...I was free to be the real me. I feel like in other circles, I have been pegged as someone that I am not. Maybe some of the things they say are true, but I like to think I'm more than just someone who has to have my house completely put together, the newest clothes, the fanciest garden pots with the best flowers, etc. With that being said, I don't even think about those things...you should see my house right now!
But...I do like decorating. I enjoy it. I think I'm even sorta good at it. I like shopping, which I have seriously curbed that habit (you should have seen me 10 years ago!). I love gardening. And I don't think these are negative things....I see how they can be, if they totally consumed every part of me; if I put all these things before my relationships. Yes, in that way, they can be negative. But I can assure you, if I have the choice to go to church, or to hang out with a friend, or to visit with family...putting my house together, doing laundry, cleaning, shopping, gardening, anything really, will not take precedence of that. I value people and the relationships I have with them. I value friendships.

So, these days it's been hard. I feel like I've been pegged as the person who is far too concerned with these other things that interest me. But not once, have I been engaged in a conversation for people to actually find out if what they think, is true. Not once. They hear things, form their opinions and judgements, and that's it. That's who I am, and who I will always be. Or that's how I feel it is. So...I sit in silence. I take the comments. And I make no reply. Because really, it only adds fuel to their fire.

I'm not saying I'm perfect...that I have never screwed up in my life...that I have it all together...that I'm the best christian, best wife, best mom, best daughter, best sister, best friend...I have definitely dropped the ball in all those areas. But is it right to have things held against me? (I know this sounds vague...but I have a situation in my mind: I basically didn't respond very well to a very generous gift that was given to us, because it wasn't what I wanted. I have since done a 180, so to speak, and have been so incredibly grateful, yet feel as though I am still being judged by the inital response) Thankfully, God is quick to forgive.

What do I do now? Do I talk to them? I honestly don't think it would help. And I haven't had a serious conversation with them in over 5 years. I wouldn't even know where to begin. Starting a conversation with "Why are you a jerk to me?" just doesn't seem like it would go over well. And I tend to avoid confrontation like the plague...not for me. Do I just ignore it? Just really work hard at being me? That sounds like a ridiculous to have to do...work hard at being who I am. But like I said, it's like I completely forget how to do that. Do I just keep doing the best I can, work at coming out of this shell I've put myself in and hope and pray things get better?

I don't know.

What I do know is that, when I think about it, I like who I am. I think that for the most part, I'm a pretty good christian, a pretty good wife, a pretty good mom, a pretty good daughter, sister, friend...Not perfect, but ok. I'm doing the best I can. There is always room for improvement. Always room to better myself in areas. Always room. But I also know that change happens over time...it can't happen in a day.

So, all that being said. I like me. The real me. The one who knows how to have conversations, and laugh, and have fun.



I don't knwo...

Lazy Morning

I was having a lazy mom morning...just sitting at the table, trying to actually get through my cup of coffee without having to reheat it 2-3 times (which, in my opinion, is the max you should reheat coffee). Charlie kept calling for me to come play trains...normally, I'd go. This morning, I didn't.

Charlie: MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!!!! Come! Come on buddy!

Apparently that is my go to phrase when we're out and he's taking his time...'come on buddy!'
It's so funny to me the things he picks up on.

On another note, I said 'crap' the other day, and it's seems to be his new favourite word.
Sometimes not so funny the things he picks up on.

I would like to have a baby girl next just so I don't have to potty train 3 boys.

Oi.

Kudos to my mother and father in-law who had 5 children.

Three days a week, I look after my 3 year old nephew, Gus. Charlie is 2, and Jacob is 10 months.
This afternoon, I had my other nephew and niece, Jo (1) and Aurora (4).

Let me help you with the math. 5 kids. 4 and under.

My house is small. 703 square feet. That's a lot of little kids in a small space. And it was rainy outside. Bummer. Because I'm pretty sure my yard is bigger than my house.

At any rate, it was a really good afternoon. It was a lot of fun having them all in the same place, and little to no arguing/trouble sharing/pushing/biting/yelling/hitting/battles between the stubborn ones/etc. They all played really well!

We started the afternoon with some good ol' fashioned playdough. Once it cleared up we moved outside to blow bubbles, color with chalk, 'mow' the lawn, red light/green light, simon says, general tomfoolery. (I should note, Jacob was napping this whole time)

Once Jacob woke up, we moved indoors...had snacks, played in the playroom...you get the idea. We had a good day.

Will I have 5 kids? No. It was amazing the difference once Gus went home...only having 4 little ones to look after. And it's not like Gus is any trouble to look after at all! 5 is the tipping point in my opinion...where pure chaos is just around the corner. 4 seems like there is still a buffer between you and chaos.

So again, kudos to my in-laws...you guys are amazing to have raised 5 kids, knowing that 3 of them weren't going home at the end of the day!

Jacob

It was a bit of a tiring day with my little Jacob today. He's cutting 3 teeth...they are so close to being through. I wish they would just hurry up. Jacob is generally a very happy baby...I can honestly the only time he cries is when he's hungry, or wakes up. But these past couple of days, especially today, he's been rather cranky because of the teething.
It was a long day.
But it ended with Jacob cuddling up with me, and falling asleep while I held him. I really am cherishing these moments with him, as they are few and far between. He is definitely not (nor has he every been) a cuddler. He'll be 10 months old on the 16th. It has gone by so fast...I'm having a hard time accepting that he is almost 1 years old.
So, I will cherish these moments when my little 'Hey-Bob' will fall asleep in my arms.

                                  I love you Jacob.

Cody: I love you Charlie. Do you know what that means?
Charlie: You won't leave me.

heart melting......

Beach Day!

Yesterday, being Cody's day off, we decided to pack the boys up and head out to Birds Hill to spend some time at the beach. After a bit of frustration driving aimlessly around the park to find the spot to buy a park pass (no one was posted at the gate, no explanation of where to buy one was available, but they were kind enough to post a sign stating a park pass was mandatory...)
Anyways, we got to the beach. Charlie had brought his run bike and had a great time riding around on the bike paths. We got to the beach where he spent over an hour playing in the water, in the sand and at the playground. Jacob also got in on some of the water action. I love that my boys love water and 'swimming'. So fun!




Anyways, here's my favorite pictures of the day!


 
 

conversation with a 2 year old

Me: Charlie! Come see! Jacob has a new tooth*! (small things entertain us)
Charlie: Oh! Hey-bob have pizza now!
 *which is totally in a weird spot...he has the bottom two, and then the top, far right one.

A New Name

So, I've decided to change my blog up a little bit. I found that I wasn't really writing anything...not so much because I had nothing to say or share...I have loads of stories, but they are mostly about my two boys. And I felt guilty writing about them all the time, because not everyone (like there are SO many people who actually read this...) wants to read about my kids.

With that being said however, I am a stay at home mom. I'd like to think that my intellect runs deeper than conversations with my 2 year old about why it's a good idea to keep your male parts in your diaper and a bad idea to throw your brother to the ground...at this point I don't know that it does. And I'm okay with that. I learn a lot from my boys, and I have decided to make this a place to share things I've learned from them, and tell stories.

Considered yourself warned. This blog is mainly about my life as mom of two boys. So that's what you'll being hearing about.