Waiting for grace.

It's been a trying few weeks here at the Anderson household. I still haven't been feeling 100%, which I`m sure is causing the bulk of the issues. In other words, I`m slacking off. Dishes pile up, laundry piles up, floors go unswept, beds unmade (wait, I never did that anyways), suppers are lame. By lunch time, I`m spent. I forget how tired you get being pregnant. First time pregos out there, who happen to read this, enjoy the time that you can rest and sleep whenever you want.
I feel mostly bad for my boys though. Mostly. They are being difficult too. I`m sure it`s just me, and my attitude which is the root of it all...but I`m gonna be a suck here, and to be totally honest...I don`t want to take all the blame right now.

Charlie is 3 now. That should explain it all. We`re learning how to discipline him accordingly. He really is a good kid. But like any kid, if he`s tired or hungry, look out! Our biggest issue with him right now is the listening...Sometimes, he legit doesn`t hear us. He`s like his dad that way...so focused on whatever he is doing, the rest of the world is pretty tuned out. But the other times...oh he hears us. Then turns around and does the EXACT THING WE ARE TELLING HIM NOT TO DO. I know all kids do this. I know this is nothing new, that I`m not in some unique situation or anything. But it is so incredibly frustrating! Cue the deep breath and hope that what I say to him does not come out in a loud screaming voice. Deep breath...don`t scream...be calm...AHHHHHHHHHHH!

Jacob is 1. And teething. Again, that should explain it all. I should be loving and comforting to my poor little guy. Thing is...he screams. A high pitched, ear piercing, nose bleed inducing (ok, not that bad) scream. It honestly makes you want to poke your eyeballs out. Literally. Not that I`ve tried it...but I`ve thought about it.

And so there it is...I`m tired. I`m sick. I have headaches. And I have a 3 year old and a 1 year old, whom I love dearly. It`s been a long 13 weeks of pregnancy so far. I`m praying that grace comes soon...that sickness will ease, that teething will stop (for now), that I`d have patience and grace when it comes to parenting Charlie.

change.

Lots has changed these past few weeks. Lots is changing.

1. We bought a van...which of course raised everyone's suspicions about "is she pregnant again???"
2. I am pregnant again. Due April 11. Feeling terrible. Perhaps a girl???? ;)
3. Jacob turned 1. Hard to believe a year and more has passed since I had my baby boy.
4. Charlie will be 3 on Wednesday. Even harder to believe.
5. I always manage to get my yearly cold while pregnant. Which is of course when you can't take anything to help with it. Vitamin C and water...here I come.
6. We are fish owners, against our will. My sister brought Charlie out to buy someone a fish...she ended up buying Charlie one too. He is blue, and his name is...Blue.
7. I have more tomatoes than I know what to do with right now.
8. I'm ready for fall weather...cozy sweaters and the like.
9. We're trying to figure out how to make our 2 bedroom house work with 3 kids. Stay tuned...
10. We get to go away to Banff in October (just Cody and I). I'm so excited to sleep through the night...and then after that, we're off on a family road trip to a wedding!

I guess that's the bulk of what's been happening around here. We're all tired, but life is good.

29.

I am 29 now.

I had a great birthday. I went out with some friends the night before for supper...I got to sleep in, 7:03am. Ok, so not actually sleep in. But the boys were up even earlier than that, and that was as long as they could wait before running in and jumping all over me covering me with kisses and happy birthdays. Not a bad start to the day...

My boys bought me a hang dryer (Charlie's words for a clothes line) and some clothes pins, and two boxes of the Starbucks Chai syrup so I can make my own chai lattes. Of course, chai lattes were made and enjoyed by Charlie and I.

After breakfast and a morning nap for Jake, we headed out to my parents house for a birthday lunch and swimming. Afterwards we dropped the boys off with Cody's sister, and went out for a late supper.

It was a great day. I feel really blessed to have my boys, my family, my friends in my life. I am excited what this last year of my twenties will bring...I was feeling kinda 'ugh' about turning 29...but today, I feel good about it. I am happy with my life right now. I am where I thought I'd be. I am happy.

On a side note, I think I'm creating a monster... First words out of Charlie's mouth this morning:
"Mommy, I want a chai latte."

Oh dear....

What the croup!

Croup: a condition that causes an inflammation of the upper airways — the voice box (larynx) and windpipe (trachea). It often leads to a barking cough or hoarseness, especially when a child cries. (http://kidshealth.org/parent/infections/lung/croup.html)

Charlie has gotten croup whenever he had a cold, but never this bad. Poor Jake...He had the seal bark all day yesterday, and it just seemed to be getting worse. I finally got him settled and asleep, and it just never eased off. He was struggling so much just to breathe...I called my mom (a nurse) and had her listen to his breathing over the phone. She decided to come in and check him out. Sure enough, she didn't like what she saw/heard...she suggested we go to the ER. So we did. Poor Jake...he was so tired, and crying (which does not help the cough) and we spent about 2 hours at the hospital...ending with him getting two shots, one in each leg, of some type of steroid to help reduce the swelling in his throat. We got home just before 1am, and he slept most of the night, and has had 2 naps today and it's not even noon yet.

It was so scary hearing him struggle to breathe...

I'm thankful for my mama, and the doctor and nurses in the ER who helped my little Jakey. And I'm thankful that it has eased off a bit now and he's breathing a lot better. Still sounds like a seal though...

Going to camp.

Diapers changed.
Car packed.
Lunches packed.
Starbucks ordered.

Warning light for brakes on.

Looks like we're staying home.

Wanna know how to make anything you say, hilarious?
Just add 'poop' to the end of the sentence.

I don't think I will ever understand boys...

Not about my kids.

At the risk of sounding like I am looking for people to boost my confidence, I write this post.
***sidenote: I am not looking for confidence boosts...This is simply what's been on my heart these days***

I feel like I have lost what makes me who I am. It's safe to say I was pretty much losing it last night as Cody and I were talking. I could barely form words at times.

I've never been an overly secure person. What people think of me, and say to me, or to others about me, affects me deeply. Simply put, if someone only has negative things to say about me, or thinks I'm a joke in all do, it hurts me. As I think it would hurt a lot of people.

The struggle these days has been trying to figure out who I am around certain people. There are people who, when I am around them, I completely shut down. It's like I forget how to be me. At the risk of sounding full of myself, I actually do think that I can be a pretty fun and funny person. Around these people, I shut down. I am quiet. I don't know how to be me.

As strange as it may sound, I think the people who probably knew/know the real me, are people who I went to YWAM and Prov with. Mainly because I started at both those places with a clean slate...nobody there knew me...I was free to be the real me. I feel like in other circles, I have been pegged as someone that I am not. Maybe some of the things they say are true, but I like to think I'm more than just someone who has to have my house completely put together, the newest clothes, the fanciest garden pots with the best flowers, etc. With that being said, I don't even think about those things...you should see my house right now!
But...I do like decorating. I enjoy it. I think I'm even sorta good at it. I like shopping, which I have seriously curbed that habit (you should have seen me 10 years ago!). I love gardening. And I don't think these are negative things....I see how they can be, if they totally consumed every part of me; if I put all these things before my relationships. Yes, in that way, they can be negative. But I can assure you, if I have the choice to go to church, or to hang out with a friend, or to visit with family...putting my house together, doing laundry, cleaning, shopping, gardening, anything really, will not take precedence of that. I value people and the relationships I have with them. I value friendships.

So, these days it's been hard. I feel like I've been pegged as the person who is far too concerned with these other things that interest me. But not once, have I been engaged in a conversation for people to actually find out if what they think, is true. Not once. They hear things, form their opinions and judgements, and that's it. That's who I am, and who I will always be. Or that's how I feel it is. So...I sit in silence. I take the comments. And I make no reply. Because really, it only adds fuel to their fire.

I'm not saying I'm perfect...that I have never screwed up in my life...that I have it all together...that I'm the best christian, best wife, best mom, best daughter, best sister, best friend...I have definitely dropped the ball in all those areas. But is it right to have things held against me? (I know this sounds vague...but I have a situation in my mind: I basically didn't respond very well to a very generous gift that was given to us, because it wasn't what I wanted. I have since done a 180, so to speak, and have been so incredibly grateful, yet feel as though I am still being judged by the inital response) Thankfully, God is quick to forgive.

What do I do now? Do I talk to them? I honestly don't think it would help. And I haven't had a serious conversation with them in over 5 years. I wouldn't even know where to begin. Starting a conversation with "Why are you a jerk to me?" just doesn't seem like it would go over well. And I tend to avoid confrontation like the plague...not for me. Do I just ignore it? Just really work hard at being me? That sounds like a ridiculous to have to do...work hard at being who I am. But like I said, it's like I completely forget how to do that. Do I just keep doing the best I can, work at coming out of this shell I've put myself in and hope and pray things get better?

I don't know.

What I do know is that, when I think about it, I like who I am. I think that for the most part, I'm a pretty good christian, a pretty good wife, a pretty good mom, a pretty good daughter, sister, friend...Not perfect, but ok. I'm doing the best I can. There is always room for improvement. Always room to better myself in areas. Always room. But I also know that change happens over time...it can't happen in a day.

So, all that being said. I like me. The real me. The one who knows how to have conversations, and laugh, and have fun.



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