Diapers changed.
Car packed.
Lunches packed.
Starbucks ordered.
Warning light for brakes on.
Looks like we're staying home.
Monday, July 16, 2012
Saturday, July 14, 2012
Thursday, July 12, 2012
Not about my kids.
At the risk of sounding like I am looking for people to boost my confidence, I write this post.
***sidenote: I am not looking for confidence boosts...This is simply what's been on my heart these days***
I feel like I have lost what makes me who I am. It's safe to say I was pretty much losing it last night as Cody and I were talking. I could barely form words at times.
I've never been an overly secure person. What people think of me, and say to me, or to others about me, affects me deeply. Simply put, if someone only has negative things to say about me, or thinks I'm a joke in all do, it hurts me. As I think it would hurt a lot of people.
The struggle these days has been trying to figure out who I am around certain people. There are people who, when I am around them, I completely shut down. It's like I forget how to be me. At the risk of sounding full of myself, I actually do think that I can be a pretty fun and funny person. Around these people, I shut down. I am quiet. I don't know how to be me.
As strange as it may sound, I think the people who probably knew/know the real me, are people who I went to YWAM and Prov with. Mainly because I started at both those places with a clean slate...nobody there knew me...I was free to be the real me. I feel like in other circles, I have been pegged as someone that I am not. Maybe some of the things they say are true, but I like to think I'm more than just someone who has to have my house completely put together, the newest clothes, the fanciest garden pots with the best flowers, etc. With that being said, I don't even think about those things...you should see my house right now!
But...I do like decorating. I enjoy it. I think I'm even sorta good at it. I like shopping, which I have seriously curbed that habit (you should have seen me 10 years ago!). I love gardening. And I don't think these are negative things....I see how they can be, if they totally consumed every part of me; if I put all these things before my relationships. Yes, in that way, they can be negative. But I can assure you, if I have the choice to go to church, or to hang out with a friend, or to visit with family...putting my house together, doing laundry, cleaning, shopping, gardening, anything really, will not take precedence of that. I value people and the relationships I have with them. I value friendships.
So, these days it's been hard. I feel like I've been pegged as the person who is far too concerned with these other things that interest me. But not once, have I been engaged in a conversation for people to actually find out if what they think, is true. Not once. They hear things, form their opinions and judgements, and that's it. That's who I am, and who I will always be. Or that's how I feel it is. So...I sit in silence. I take the comments. And I make no reply. Because really, it only adds fuel to their fire.
I'm not saying I'm perfect...that I have never screwed up in my life...that I have it all together...that I'm the best christian, best wife, best mom, best daughter, best sister, best friend...I have definitely dropped the ball in all those areas. But is it right to have things held against me? (I know this sounds vague...but I have a situation in my mind: I basically didn't respond very well to a very generous gift that was given to us, because it wasn't what I wanted. I have since done a 180, so to speak, and have been so incredibly grateful, yet feel as though I am still being judged by the inital response) Thankfully, God is quick to forgive.
What do I do now? Do I talk to them? I honestly don't think it would help. And I haven't had a serious conversation with them in over 5 years. I wouldn't even know where to begin. Starting a conversation with "Why are you a jerk to me?" just doesn't seem like it would go over well. And I tend to avoid confrontation like the plague...not for me. Do I just ignore it? Just really work hard at being me? That sounds like a ridiculous to have to do...work hard at being who I am. But like I said, it's like I completely forget how to do that. Do I just keep doing the best I can, work at coming out of this shell I've put myself in and hope and pray things get better?
I don't know.
What I do know is that, when I think about it, I like who I am. I think that for the most part, I'm a pretty good christian, a pretty good wife, a pretty good mom, a pretty good daughter, sister, friend...Not perfect, but ok. I'm doing the best I can. There is always room for improvement. Always room to better myself in areas. Always room. But I also know that change happens over time...it can't happen in a day.
So, all that being said. I like me. The real me. The one who knows how to have conversations, and laugh, and have fun.
I don't knwo...
***sidenote: I am not looking for confidence boosts...This is simply what's been on my heart these days***
I feel like I have lost what makes me who I am. It's safe to say I was pretty much losing it last night as Cody and I were talking. I could barely form words at times.
I've never been an overly secure person. What people think of me, and say to me, or to others about me, affects me deeply. Simply put, if someone only has negative things to say about me, or thinks I'm a joke in all do, it hurts me. As I think it would hurt a lot of people.
The struggle these days has been trying to figure out who I am around certain people. There are people who, when I am around them, I completely shut down. It's like I forget how to be me. At the risk of sounding full of myself, I actually do think that I can be a pretty fun and funny person. Around these people, I shut down. I am quiet. I don't know how to be me.
As strange as it may sound, I think the people who probably knew/know the real me, are people who I went to YWAM and Prov with. Mainly because I started at both those places with a clean slate...nobody there knew me...I was free to be the real me. I feel like in other circles, I have been pegged as someone that I am not. Maybe some of the things they say are true, but I like to think I'm more than just someone who has to have my house completely put together, the newest clothes, the fanciest garden pots with the best flowers, etc. With that being said, I don't even think about those things...you should see my house right now!
But...I do like decorating. I enjoy it. I think I'm even sorta good at it. I like shopping, which I have seriously curbed that habit (you should have seen me 10 years ago!). I love gardening. And I don't think these are negative things....I see how they can be, if they totally consumed every part of me; if I put all these things before my relationships. Yes, in that way, they can be negative. But I can assure you, if I have the choice to go to church, or to hang out with a friend, or to visit with family...putting my house together, doing laundry, cleaning, shopping, gardening, anything really, will not take precedence of that. I value people and the relationships I have with them. I value friendships.
So, these days it's been hard. I feel like I've been pegged as the person who is far too concerned with these other things that interest me. But not once, have I been engaged in a conversation for people to actually find out if what they think, is true. Not once. They hear things, form their opinions and judgements, and that's it. That's who I am, and who I will always be. Or that's how I feel it is. So...I sit in silence. I take the comments. And I make no reply. Because really, it only adds fuel to their fire.
I'm not saying I'm perfect...that I have never screwed up in my life...that I have it all together...that I'm the best christian, best wife, best mom, best daughter, best sister, best friend...I have definitely dropped the ball in all those areas. But is it right to have things held against me? (I know this sounds vague...but I have a situation in my mind: I basically didn't respond very well to a very generous gift that was given to us, because it wasn't what I wanted. I have since done a 180, so to speak, and have been so incredibly grateful, yet feel as though I am still being judged by the inital response) Thankfully, God is quick to forgive.
What do I do now? Do I talk to them? I honestly don't think it would help. And I haven't had a serious conversation with them in over 5 years. I wouldn't even know where to begin. Starting a conversation with "Why are you a jerk to me?" just doesn't seem like it would go over well. And I tend to avoid confrontation like the plague...not for me. Do I just ignore it? Just really work hard at being me? That sounds like a ridiculous to have to do...work hard at being who I am. But like I said, it's like I completely forget how to do that. Do I just keep doing the best I can, work at coming out of this shell I've put myself in and hope and pray things get better?
I don't know.
What I do know is that, when I think about it, I like who I am. I think that for the most part, I'm a pretty good christian, a pretty good wife, a pretty good mom, a pretty good daughter, sister, friend...Not perfect, but ok. I'm doing the best I can. There is always room for improvement. Always room to better myself in areas. Always room. But I also know that change happens over time...it can't happen in a day.
So, all that being said. I like me. The real me. The one who knows how to have conversations, and laugh, and have fun.
I don't knwo...
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