conversation with a 2 year old

Me: Charlie! Come see! Jacob has a new tooth*! (small things entertain us)
Charlie: Oh! Hey-bob have pizza now!
 *which is totally in a weird spot...he has the bottom two, and then the top, far right one.

A New Name

So, I've decided to change my blog up a little bit. I found that I wasn't really writing anything...not so much because I had nothing to say or share...I have loads of stories, but they are mostly about my two boys. And I felt guilty writing about them all the time, because not everyone (like there are SO many people who actually read this...) wants to read about my kids.

With that being said however, I am a stay at home mom. I'd like to think that my intellect runs deeper than conversations with my 2 year old about why it's a good idea to keep your male parts in your diaper and a bad idea to throw your brother to the ground...at this point I don't know that it does. And I'm okay with that. I learn a lot from my boys, and I have decided to make this a place to share things I've learned from them, and tell stories.

Considered yourself warned. This blog is mainly about my life as mom of two boys. So that's what you'll being hearing about.

It's been a long time since I've done the solo parenting gig for a long stretch of time, and I have yet to do it with both boys. The longest I've been alone with both of them was a weekend, when Cody left on a Friday and came back on a Sunday. He is in Haiti right now. I'm glad he is there. He loves it there. But I miss him here. And so does his 2 year old. I think this is the first time that Cody has gone away that Charlie really seems to grasp what is going on. He'll randomly start crying out for "Daaaaadddddddddddyyyyyyyyyyyy" at any give time of day, he fights nap/bed time even more so and longer than he normally does. He's more aggressive. He just wants his dad. I feel so bad for him...my heart breaks everytime he cries out for him. I find it very challenging to be a good parent, to be firm with him when he's up and down from bed, not letting him get whatever he wants... I just want to spoil him rotten because I know he is having such a hard time with Cody being gone. But at the same time, I know that won't help either. I just want to cry. Because that always helps, right? I had to lock the door for a few minutes in his room so he knows that he can't come out, and that he has to nap. He's crying for daddy. And in that process, Jacob woke up...so he's crying too. All this to say, kudos to you single mama's or papa's out there. You have a tough job...and of all the ones I know, you are amazing, patient, loving, kind parents. I admire your courage to do it alone. Way to go. Next Tuesday can't come soon enough for little Charlie...and for me too. Cody, we miss you.

"Then he asked them, 'But who do you say I am?' Simon Peter answered, 'You are the Messiah, the Son of the living God.'" Matthew 16:15-16

I didn't hear the whole sermon this morning as I was in and out a bit with a somewhat fussy-ish baby...but I did hear this part. Who do you say I am? The speaker today challenged us to think about that question...to really think about it. So I'm going to try.

Who do I say Jesus is? It's easy to spout off Simon Peter's answer, it is afterall the right one...but do I really and truly believe that. I wasn't sure how to go about even thinking of this question, until the speaker shared his example...how Jesus is his last resort when things are tough. That started to get me thinking...

So, if I think beyond the "easy" answer, Who do I say Jesus is in my life? Honestly...I can probably relate to the last resort answer...when I've tried everything myself and nothing has worked, I turn to Jesus. When I want my baby to sleep all night, I hope that Jesus will somehow give him sleepy potion or be my 2am babysitter. I say He's my therapist, who doesn't always seem to hear what I am saying...or else hears it and does the opposite. (I know this is a ridiculous view...but it's honestly how I feel sometimes)

But Simon Peter's answer is the right one...He is the Messiah, the Son of the living God. I know that and I believe that. How do I move on beyond the "Jesus, You are totally bailing on me" to "Jesus, You are the Messiah". Clearly I need to be less selfish...Step 1. It's not about me, and what I want to happen or think that I need to happen. It's not about me. It's about Jesus and who He is.

I'm not sure where I am going with this anymore...I need to really start thinking about this more...I like that question.

"But who do you say that I am?"

On my mind...again...

I wrote this post a few years ago...Instead of re-writing my thoughts again on it...I'm just reposting. Is that cheating in the blog world? I don't know. I don't really care either. I think it's a good reminder:

I'm struggling today with the whole idea of "gossip". In no way am I claiming innocence to this act. There are days when I gossip unknowingly, days where I justify it as "well, I really care for this person" or "I just need to talk this out", and days where I am fully aware of what I am doing, the implications that it could potentially have, the harm it could do, yet I do it anyway.

Gossip: idle talk or rumor, especially about the personal or private affairs of others
Idle Talk: talk of no real worth, importance, or significance

Idle talk? How much time do I spend talking about things that have no real significance, importance and are of no real worth? I'm scared to answer that question. It's probably far more time than I want to admit. What scares me even more...I know I have come along way since the 'ol junior high days. Are we so scared to be vulnerable, to talk about the things that are important in life, to open ourselves up to someone else, that we feel we need to talk idly, to spread rumors, to share the latest tidbit of someone elses personal life? Do we feel the need to spread gossip about others to validate that we are a somebody? That we are in "the know"? Are we that afraid to be ourselves that we can only communicate with one another through gossip?

Am I that afraid to be vulnerable and to be myself?

I don't want to engage in idle talk. I want conversations that speak truth in love, that are uplifting and encouraging, that are honest and real; that reflect the character of Christ.

Maybe I am that afraid to let go, to be totally vulnerable and to be myself...God help me not to hide behind idle talk and gossip.

my resolutions.

I've never really been one to make (and keep) New Year's resolutions. I usually come up with an impressive list of things I'd like to change in my life:

ex: start working out more, drink less coke, be more 'green' and earth friendly, read my bible more, etc, etc, etc...

Let's just say this, it's the 11th of January...I have not worked out once (unless walking to my car in the garage counts), I drank coke on New Year's day (and on the 2nd, and probably the 3rd...), I am actually pretty conscious of 'living green', but there is still a few more things to change, and I am working on those, and I have read my bible once (which, technically speaking, is reading it more...I have been seriously slacking off).

Anyways, this New Years was no different...same list, different year. But something has changed in me. I think it was the way the New Year began. If you recall, January 1st fell on a Sunday this year. So while much of the city is still asleep after a night out, I was in church, with a good group of people. I don't remember much of the service, but I do remember thinking that being in church is a good way to start a new year. There was something that felt so right about it. It felt right to be with my church family, singing praises to God, to be reflecting on the year past and the year to come. It wasn't just making a list and hoping I stick to it. It really was the so called 'kick in the pants' I needed to get going with things I've been wanting to change in my life. I think we should rig the calendar so that New Year's day falls on a Sunday every year. It was good.

I realize it hasn't even been 2 weeks since 2012 began, but this change in me has continued (long past my 'resolutions'). I feel like something has shifted in my spiritual journey...ex: i CARE about my spiritual journey. I feel like something has shifted in the way I think about being a stay-at-home mom and what that should look like. I feel like something has changed in the way I have held onto past bitterness...ex: seeking to let that go.

I think 2012 will be a good year. I'm looking forward to what it all holds.

new years eve

it's 8:34pm and i'm ready for bed.