today

Today was my due date.

It's strange to think about it. I've been very aware for the past few months that this day is approaching and yet I barely thought about it all day. Granted...it was kind of a nut-so day, considering my last post and all.

So, I'm here now. Sitting on my couch. Charlie is in bed, Cody is out. And I'm thinking about it:

* would I be in labor right now?
* would I have already had the baby?
* would the baby be late like Charlie and impatience would be setting in?
* would the baby be a boy or a girl?
* who would the baby have looked like? (Charlie was ALL me)
* what if...what if...what if...

It really makes me appreciate that fact that I am pregnant again. A little depressing to think that I could possibly be holding my new little one, as opposed to almost being half way. But, more so, very, very thankful to be pregnant.

This pregnancy has come with so many new fears...fears that never even crossed my mind with my pregnancy with Charlie. I suppose I was totally naive then. The realities of not all pregnancies carrying through to the end has not been more real. Every doctors appointment, I am nervous. I'm so scared they won't find a heartbeat...even though they have at each one. I just get so nervous. Part of the fear comes from the reality that people around me have been having miscarriages. Literally in between each of my appointments, I have had a friend lose a baby. It's so heartbreaking.

I am thankful to be pregnant. I am not taking it for granted.

Little baby I never knew, I'm thinking about you today...